Heavenly Father, I'm pissed.
"Heavenly Father, I'm pissed. I'm so angry I don't really even want to talk to you. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of this crap. This stupid stupid crappy life we're expected to live through and somehow enjoy. I am really angry. I don't understand. And I don't want to wait to understand. I'm tired of believing that "One day it will all make sense." I am SO angry! How in the world do you expect us to actually live here and get along with people? If we're supposed to be able to have happy marriages and blissful family lives than why in the crap did you make us so different and make it so hard to understand one another and get along? Why are men and women so different? Why did you do that? How in the world does that even make sense? It's like a big freaking joke. I see ZERO reason why this is all worth it. I really don't see how it's possibly worth it or how things could really ever be better than they are. I am so incredibly tired of the same fights, the same misunderstandings, the same tears, the same doubts, the same pain. I am ready to just give up. I would so happily just be done with all of this. I am so mad. And I have a right to be mad. It's a ridiculous mess of a world and you just sit up there and let us live through it. I am done. I am so done. I know I shouldn't yell at you but I am really really angry. I'm so mad I think I might explode. And if I did explode that would probably be just fine, a relief really. There's no way I'm taking one more step forward until I get a glimpse as to why it's possibly worth it to do so. I am too tired and too angry to keep pushing without some tiny glimpse of what I'm pushing toward. I want it now. I need you to show me tonight while I sleep why it's possibly worth all the effort."
These were my words of prayer a few nights ago. I don't make it a habit of using such language or yelling at and blaming God, but that night it all just spilled out. And once it started I decided to just let Him have it. I was like a tiny child screaming to her parents about how unfair things are and how picked on she is, completely blind to the privileges and blessings surrounding her. And I knew it. But I didn't care. I wanted to be that ornery and upset child. I ended my prayer and lay there- fully expecting to feel chastised. But that feeling didn't come.
Instead, as I lay there I had the prompting to go downstairs to see my husband. Still feeling blatantly ornery and disagreeable I argued out loud: "No way! I am going to go to sleep. Just give me a vision while I sleep to answer me."
The promptings kept coming, even tiny thoughts of what I should do once I got downstairs. I argued a few more times, still so angry and feeling entitled.
But then something changed. A feeling of love somehow penetrated the anger. I was expecting, and I think actually hoping, that God would fight back; that He would add wood to my fire by answering me with His own resentment and telling me I was wrong or stupid or out of line. But that's not how God works. His answer is always love. He saw through the anger and recognized my need for validation and comfort. As I felt His love I decided to follow the prompting and went downstairs.
The next hour I spent with my husband was the glimpse I needed; a glimpse into the future that's possible if I just keep pushing forward. But it also opened my eyes to the present and gave me the lens I needed to see the beauty already around me.
I asked for help during a horrible temper tantrum that God could have understandably ignored, but He knew my heart and knew I needed His tender mercy that night. And He granted me that tender mercy.
There are two things that I came to better understand through this experience.
First, God hears us and always answers in Love. His Love is something we can count on unconditionally and without doubt. His love is always present and always enough. We can throw at Him hate and anger, resentment and hostility, accusations and blatant disrespect and His love for us stays the same. His response will always be one of empathy and understanding. What an awesome Father. What an example of parenthood. Our earthly response would be to retaliate, or to react with defensiveness, resentment, and anger. His Heavenly response is to dissolve the anger with compassion and love. Love truly is the ultimate weapon. There is nothing that can ultimately defeat true and unconditional Love.
The second thing I learned is that it's worth it. Life is tough and really painful sometimes. But if we stay close to God and follow the promptings that come, He will guide us to the future that is meant to be ours and will help us see the beauty in the present. He will shape us into the person He knows we are meant to be and will help us see the good within us already. Being pruned really hurts sometimes. But it's essential to our growth.
I will strive to avoid such self-pity and temper tantrums in the future, but if they do come, I know I will be loved through it all. And so will you. God is the only true source of ultimate comfort and pure love. Let's turn to Him and allow Him to guide us to true healing and peace; let's allow Him to shape us into who we are meant to be and trust that He knows what He's doing even when it hurts.
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